Road of Life

Harry felt like he was surrounded by old women. His daughters forced him to give up his house and move into an independent living community where there were very few men. The one-bedroom apartment felt small. Of course, when he couldn’t live by himself anymore, he could move into assisted living, and finally into the nursing home, right across the parking lot, where he could get all the help he needed to finally die. He had just turned seventy-seven. He still played golf once a week and worked out on the treadmill every day. Life had changed dramatically two years ago when his wife died. They had been married for 54 years. One morning she didn’t wake up. He missed her terribly. While the suddenness of her death was like a punch in the face, he was grateful she didn’t suffer. His two daughters, his sons-in-law, granddaughters, and friends all rallied around him, but life would never be the same.

Harry was feeling trapped. He hadn’t traveled since his wife died. This place was making him feel old. He wanted to feel young again. His oldest granddaughter Caroline had just graduated from high school and was going to the University of Florida on a softball scholarship in the fall. Harry always felt closest to her because of their love of baseball. He never had the chance to go to the Baseball Hall of Fame. His two daughters were never interested. It was only about a four-hour drive from suburban Philadelphia. He knew his daughters would freak out if he told them he was going to drive by himself. He had an idea. Caroline was coming over to take him out to lunch.

Harry opened the door when the bell rang. Caroline was dressed like a jock, shorts, a Florida tee shirt, and bright blue Nikes. Her light brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail.

Her green eyes twinkled like jade stones.

“Hi, Pop”, she said as she bent forward to kiss Harry on the cheek. “Are you hungry?”

Harry said, “Yes, I only had some yogurt for breakfast.”

Harry knew that Caroline was off this week before she would start her summer camp counseling job. She went to the sports camp as a kid. When she turned sixteen, she became a junior counselor. Now, she was becoming a senior counselor, and one of the people running the camp. He was proud of her, but he knew their special time together was running out. She was growing up. She would be busy all summer working and getting ready for college. Caroline loved working with kids. She wanted to study child psychology and could see herself coaching. Harry knew her world was about to get much bigger, and there would be less and less one on one time.

Caroline said, “I’ll drive. The Eagle Diner, right?”

“Of course,” said Harry. “Only the finest. Your mother is letting you drive her new SUV?  I hope you’re a better driver than she was when she was your age. She rolled over one of those parking lot concrete dividers on her first trip to the store. Knocked the wheels out of alignment.”

Caroline smiled, “Really? I’ll have to remind her of that.”

They pulled Harry’s apartment door behind them and headed down the hallway to the main entrance. They passed one hunched over man, and a tiny woman on a walker shuffling down the hallway to the dining room. Harry had met a few men and played golf with a couple of them. His regular golfing group was getting smaller as guys couldn’t do it physically anymore or died. He didn’t know what he would do when he didn’t have anyone to play with or couldn’t play himself. They went out the front door into the parking lot and the bright sunshine. Harry always preferred to drive. He remembered when he would have Caroline and her cousins in the car when they were kids. They would be talking and laughing, most of the time at him. He loved it. He would start singing or swaying to some oldie on the radio, and they would shriek and tell him to stop. There was nothing like a car full of little girls making that sound like no other. Now, he looked over at Caroline and saw a bright, confident young woman with her life ahead of her. He felt a sudden shudder of sadness knowing he wouldn’t be around to see how her life blossomed.

As he pulled out into the street, Harry asked, “Are you all ready for camp next week.?”

Caroline said, “Yes. I’ll have to go in on Thursday and Friday just to get some last-minute things ready. We have the biggest registration ever. We had to expand the softball days because we have so many girls interested.”

Caroline started playing when she was seven years old. She became an All-State first team player in high school where she played shortstop and hit .425 in her senior year.  They pulled into the Eagle Diner parking lot which was starting to fill up with the lunch crowd. Once inside, they were seated in a booth and the waitress gave them menus.

“I’ll have my usual chicken sandwich lunch special,” Harry said just glancing at the menu.

Caroline looked at him. “Pop, you really have to expand your horizons. There are other things on the menu beside the chicken sandwich.”

“It’s who I’m eating with, not what I’m eating, that’s important”, said Harry with smile.

“Oh, you’re such a good date,” said Caroline.

The waitress took their order. Caroline went with the soup and sandwich. Harry wasn’t sure how to begin. He didn’t want to put Caroline on the spot. He knew this was a big summer for her. He didn’t want to seem needy and have her feel sorry for him.  He looked up from his chicken sandwich.

“I’m thinking of taking a road trip.”

Caroline put her soup spoon down. “Really? You’re going to go with the wild and crazy golf group of yours? Where are you going?”

Harry thought maybe he was making a mistake, but he couldn’t turn back now.

“Those guys can’t agree on anything, and most of them have enough trouble just playing every week at a course ten minutes away. I was thinking of taking a ride to the Baseball Hall of Fame.”

Caroline said, “That would be neat. Have you ever been there?”

Harry said, “No. I never got there as a kid, and your mother and her sister didn’t want to hear about it growing up.”

Caroline said, “Are you going to go by yourself? I’m sure Mom will try to talk you out of it.”

Harry felt a little flutter in his stomach. “I know. When you’re a kid, you can’t wait to grow up and do things on your own. Then you get old, and you’re back to not being able to do things because of your age.”  He was going for it.

“Would you like to come? It’s only a four-hour drive. We could be up there by noon tomorrow. Spend the afternoon. I’ll treat for dinner and a hotel room. We’ll be back by noon Wednesday. Plenty of time to get ready for camp.”

Harry was afraid to stop talking. Caroline certainly didn’t expect this. But she could see this was not easy for him to ask. She never said anything to her parents, but she always felt badly for Harry when they moved him into that independent living place. He always had that touch of sadness in his eyes after her grandmother died. She never thought he was an old man. She did have things to do, but he was asking for a little more than 24 hours of her time. She never wanted to disappoint him. She never wanted to disappoint anyone.

Caroline said, “Are you serious? You want to go with me?”

Harry thought this might work.  He said, “I wouldn’t want to go with anyone else.”

Caroline said, “Yeah, you tell that to all the girls.”

“So, what do you say? Do you want to hit the road with your old Pop for the trip of a lifetime?”

“It’s a date”, she said.

“That’s great. I’ll pick you up at eight tomorrow morning.”

After they finished lunch, Caroline dropped Harry off at home. He went online to find a hotel in Cooperstown for their overnight stay. He booked two rooms at The Inn at Cooperstown at a discounted price. It is an historic inn built in 1874, just a five-minute walk to the Hall of Fame. He checked his Waze app for the best route, Route 309 to the turnpike, up the Northeast Extension to I-81, to I-88, to Route 28N right into Cooperstown. He’d find a place along the way for a pit stop. Feeling energized, he went to the gym for his workout on the treadmill. But he knew he would get a phone call before the end of the day. Just as he got back to his apartment, Harry’s cell phone rang. It was his daughter, Anne, Caroline’s mother.

Harry answered, “Hi, dear. I was a expecting your call. How are you?”

Anne said, “Hi, Dad. So, Caroline told me about your trip. How did you come up with this idea? And, how come you’re not asking one of your golf buddies?”

Harry was ready, “I see my golf buddies all that time, and most of them have enough trouble getting through 18 holes. Four hours in a car and staying overnight is more than most of them can take, and more time than I need to spend with them. I thought about going by myself, but I knew that would produce a different phone call. Then I thought, when am ever going to get a chance to spend this kind of time with my granddaughter? She leaves for college in two months. Her life is going to change. Our relationship is going to change, and I understand that. I want her to have one last memory with her old grandfather before she goes off, grows up, becomes an adult, starts her career, marries some good-looking guy, who will have an extremely high bar to get over with me. Besides, she seems like she’s looking forward to it.”

Anne said, “Dad, you know she would never say no to you. Are you sure you’re up for it? Can’t you find something closer? Maybe something in the city.?”

Harry knew this was coming.

“I’ve seen everything in the city at least twice. I’ve loved baseball my whole life. I always wanted to go to the Hall when I was a kid. We just never got there. When you and your sister were growing up, you had no interest. Caroline loves baseball. She used to love it when we went to games together. Now, she’s a great player. Don’t worry. We’ll be fine. We’ll split the driving. We’ll text you along the way, and even send pictures.”

Anne knew Harry missed her mother terribly and wasn’t happy about moving into the independent living place. She knew he had to make the move. But he was still healthy, and she certainly didn’t want him taking the trip alone.

Anne finally answered, “Okay, Dad. But I want those updates.”

Harry said, “You’ll be sick of hearing from us.”

Anne said, “Love you, Dad, See you in the morning.”

Harry signed off before she changed her mind, “Love you too, see in the morning, Bye.”

Harry hadn’t felt this good about something in a long time. The Hall of Fame is a place where parents and, of course, grandparents take kids to see their heroes. But, for Harry it was a place of eternal youth, where the accomplishments of men, at the height of their young lives are frozen in time for all of us to recognize and celebrate, and even, envy. Harry knew he didn’t have that many years left, and he wanted Caroline to have a memory of the two of them together. It was important that she carried his memory forward for her children. Harry was like a kid waiting for Christmas morning. He made himself some dinner. Packed his overnight bag. Watched the Phillies game. Set his alarm clock 7am, and finally fell asleep around 11pm. He was up before the alarm went off. He took a quick shower and had time for one cup of coffee. Anne’s house was only ten minutes away. Harry pulled in the driveway, jumped out, and quick stepped to the front door, and rang the bell. Caroline opened the door.

“Right on time. I’m ready to go,” she said and gave him a peck on the cheek.

“Hi Dad,” Anne called out from the kitchen where she was filling up her travel coffee mug and getting ready to go to work

. Harry said, “Hello ladies. It’s a beautiful day for a road trip.”

“I’m running late,” said Anne. “Please text me those updates you promised. Caroline, you have to be the one in charge of that.”

She gave Caroline and Harry a kiss.

“Love you guys, have a good time, and be careful,” Anne said as she headed out the door.

“Bye dear. We’ll be very responsible,” said Harry.

Caroline grabbed her small duffle bag, and they were on their way out the door. They headed toward Route 309 south which would take them to the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Harry had mapped it out. Harry had found a great place to stop for breakfast about halfway in Kingsley, New York called Bingham’s. A typical diner with every kind of breakfast combination, and jumbo size pieces of pie. Harry took the first driving shift.

He turned to Caroline and said, “I really appreciate you taking the time to humor your grandfather. I know you could be doing other things, a lot more fun than taking a road trip with me.”

Caroline gazed out the window and said, “It will be kind of nice to get away. Things can get a little hectic sometimes.”

Harry detected a bit of doubt in her voice that he thought unusual. Caroline had always been confident and outgoing. She was not only a good athlete, but she was also always near the top of her class and had plenty of friends.

“I know this will be a busy summer for you. More responsibility at the camp and getting ready for school. What about that boy you’ve been dating?”  Harry didn’t want to pry too much.

“Jim and I have a good time together. But we know we will both be going away to school, and things will change. There will be enough pressure adjusting to school, being away, keeping up with the work, and the team, without worrying about a long-distance relationship.”

Harry had never heard her talk like this. She was always so positive.

“It’s normal to be a little worried about the unknown. I felt the same way when I was going away to college. But you’ll meet new people. Some will become friends for the rest of your life,” said Harry as he thought back on his own experience.

It was the first time he had to navigate life on his own. He envied her. To be starting out with her whole life ahead of her. He had spent a lot of time recently thinking about his life, knowing it was coming to an end soon. He would think back on the mistakes he regretted, people he had hurt.  He sometimes wished he knew then what he knew now about the ups and downs of life.

Caroline said, “I am excited about college. I just want to make the right choices about my life. So many people have dreams about what their life will be, and they make some bad choices, and end up just accepting a life they really didn’t want. Then it’s too late. You’re trapped.”

As they cruised up the Northeast Extension, Harry thought about his own life. He had a wife he loved dearly and missed every day. It was an effort some days just to get out of bed, knowing she was not there. They both had successful careers and raised two daughters who now had their own families. Caroline’s life was ahead of her, Harry knew he wouldn’t be around to see it. His future was behind him.

Harry said, “Everyone is faced with choices. Sometimes you are going to make the wrong choice. But you can’t be afraid. You have to be smart enough to recognize your mistakes and move on. Do the best you can. Sometimes, that won’t be good enough. That’s life.”

“I just want my life to mean something. To make an impact”, said Caroline. “I don’t want to look back and have regrets.”

“Everyone has regrets. I have regrets. I screwed up some decisions. You will screw up, but you are smart enough to make more right decisions than wrong ones,” said Harry.

They had been traveling about two hours, when Harry pulled off I-81 onto Route 106. He made a right onto Route 92 and stopped at Bingham’s Restaurant.

“This looked like a good breakfast place”, said Harry as they pulled in.

They got seated and ordered juice and coffee. Harry went with the cheese omelet. Caroline ordered pancakes. She texted her mother a selfie with Harry. Caroline took a sip of her coffee and looked at Harry.

“What’s you biggest regret, Pop?”

“My biggest regret is not having your grandmother here with me at the end. I wish we could do it all over again. There were good times and bad. We fought and cried, but the love and bond were unbreakable. But we all only get one chance. When you get to be my age, you realize it more than ever. You have it all in front of you. I just wish I and your grandmother could be here to see how well you do.”

“Oh, Pop. You’re going to make me cry. You’re not going anywhere. You have to dance at my wedding, and that’s not happening for a while. And, you have to be around to be a great grandfather.”

Harry smiled, “I’m glad you have it all planned out for me. Remember, plans have a way of changing.”

They finished lunch. Caroline took over the driving. They talked about baseball. Harry had dreams of being a major league ballplayer, as many kids did. He grew up in Brooklyn, and idolized Mickey Mantle.

“Mantle was God’s perfect ballplayer. He could do everything. He could hit, hit for power, throw, and he was lightning fast. He was a big, strong, poor country boy who grew up to play the most glamorous position in sports, centerfield for the Yankees. But, for all the glory and World Series titles he lived in fear of dying early like his father. Alcohol and insecurity cost him his family and ultimately his life. Shortly before he died, after a liver transplant, he told all those people who idolized him, that he was no hero.”

Caroline asked, “Did you feel disappointed or fooled by him?”

Harry paused and said, “No, I felt sad. He had all the gifts of youth, but I don’t think he was ever truly happy. I think he would have traded all those home runs for just a little more happiness.”

Caroline pulled off I-88 onto Route 28 north, and they drove into Cooperstown a little after 12:30PM. They parked. They walked up the three slate, grey steps to the arched entrance with the gold lettering “National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum” across the top. The place envelops you with statues, uniforms, bats, balls, preserved lockers, pictures, and films. But it’s the room with the gold player plaques that is the most scared. As Harry and Caroline walked in, Harry said, “This is where the young never die. It freezes these strong, vital men at the peak of their powers. They are on top of their world. They are the best of the best. They all have their flaws. Some of them had very tough lives, and some of them were miserable people. But they had an impact on our lives. They allowed us to cheer and dream. That’s what being young is all about.”

Caroline was starting to see why Harry really wanted to come here. He wanted to feel young one more time, but he wanted to share it with her. This was his way of showing her the promise of youth, and not to be afraid of the challenges she would face. Just like these imperfect men. They browsed the plaques, and finally came to Mantle. He’s smiling and staring straight at you. All his statistics were below.

Harry turned to Caroline and said, “He was one beautiful ballplayer.”

They spent three hours in the hall. They walked back to Harry’s SUV and got their bags and went to check in at The Inn at Cooperstown. It had a warm lobby with a big fireplace and comfortable furniture. They got their room keys and headed upstairs. Harry said,

“I’ll give you a break from all this talk, and I’ll take a power nap. I’ll come and get you at six o’clock for dinner, okay?”

Caroline smiled, “Okay. Maybe I’ll do a little souvenir shopping for Dad.”

Caroline dropped her bag in the room. She texted her mother again with a picture of downtown Cooperstown. Harry was feeling a little tired but was happier than he had been in a long time. This was just the kind of thing he needed to break his daily routine which could feel very lonely some days. He laid down on the soft bed. Closed his eyes and drifted off. He could see Caroline walking off in the distance. He was running to catch up with her and calling her name. He tried to run faster but couldn’t get any closer. He could hear his daughter Anne calling out from behind him, “Dad, where are you going?” He didn’t understand why she couldn’t see Caroline. He could see Caroline walking across a baseball field. He tried to keep running, but his legs were going in slow motion. She seemed to be fading into the mist. He could hear cheering in the distance, but he could never get there. He woke up with a jolt. He stared at the ceiling for moment trying to figure out where he was. The dream felt so real. He looked at the clock. He had been asleep for 45 minutes. He got up and washed up for dinner but keep thinking about the dream. It was not the first time he dreamt about running but never getting anywhere. Harry knocked on Caroline’s door at 6 o’clock, and they headed to the Lake Front Restaurant which overlooks Lake Otsego.

As they were seated, Harry said, “I’ve done my research. This lake is the start of the Susquehanna River which makes its way over 440 miles south through New York, Pennsylvania, and Maryland where it empties into the Chesapeake Bay. It starts as a peaceful lake and grows into a strong, flowing river, one of the oldest in the world. Impressed?”

Caroline said, “The internet is amazing.”

Harry said, “You kids have it easy. When I was kid, you had to go to the library and look stuff up. Now you just look at your phone.”

Caroline was ready. “I’m sure it was always miles away, and it was snowing every time you had to go.”

Harry answered, “Yes, and my shoes had holes in them.”

They both ordered fish, and Harry had a glass of wine. Caroline wasn’t sure she should bring it up, but she thought Harry needed to talk about it.

“Pop, I know you didn’t want to move. How are you doing there? Does having other people around help?”

Harry looked at her and smiled.  “It helps that you’re around other people, but we’re all on the last chapter. We’re all thinking about our lives. When you’re living through it all, time seems to move slowly. When you look back, it feels like it went by so quickly. You don’t want to be forgotten. That’s why I want you to grab life as hard as you can. Now is the time to go for it. Don’t be afraid.”

Caroline reached for his hand, “Pop, you’ll never be forgotten, and I told you you’ve got a long way to go.”

They talked about Caroline’s plans for the summer, and Harry told her he would fly to Florida to watch her play. Harry made her promise she would play golf with him before she left for school.

As dinner was ending, Caroline said, “We have to send Mom an update. How about a selfie with that beautiful sunset?”

Caroline pulled her chair around next to Harry and framed them with the sun setting over the lake.

She texted it to her mother writing, “The sun setting on a perfect day with my guy.”

They walked back to the hotel arm in arm on the warm June evening. They went upstairs to their rooms.

When they got to Harry’s room, Caroline kissed him on the cheek and said, “Good night, Pop. It was great day.”

Harry said, “It was one of the best days. Good night, dear.”

As Caroline turned to go to her room she said, “I love you, Pop.”

Harry said, “I love you, too.”

Five years later, Caroline’s phone rang. It was her mother, but it was the middle of the day. It was an odd time for her to call.

Caroline answered, “Hi, Mom. Is everything okay.”

There was a pause. Anne’s voice was shaky.

“It’s Pop. We found him a little while ago in his apartment. He was still in bed. He’s gone. It looks like he died in his sleep.”

Caroline felt numb and started to tear up.

“Oh God, Mom. Was he sick?” Are you alright? Is Dad with you?”

Anne said, “Yes, he’s here. Pop hadn’t complained about anything. He played golf yesterday. I spoke with him last night. He sounded fine.”

Caroline said, “Where are you? I’m leaving now.”

Anne said, “We are at the funeral home.”

Caroline rushed out and drove to the funeral home. Her mother and father were there speaking with the funeral home director. Caroline hugged her mother and father.

“I’m so sorry, Mom”, she said.

Anne was more composed than she was on the phone.

“I know dear. He went very peacefully, just like Mom. He lived a good life and loved you very much.”

Anne asked Caroline to go back to Harry’s apartment to get his clothes for the undertaker while she finished up the paperwork. Caroline was a little apprehensive about going back to the apartment. She wasn’t sure how she would react. When she walked in, everything seemed in its place. She walked into Harry’s bedroom to get a suit out of his closet. As she was taking the suit out, she turned and saw the picture on Harry’s nightstand. He looked so happy that night with that beautiful sunset behind them. She sat on the bed and smiled at the thought of him telling her about life and how it should be lived. She would miss that dance at her wedding when she and Jim married, but she would never forget that trip.

The sun was shining and the trees in St. Michael’s Church yard were rustling in the spring breeze on the day of the service. The church was three quarters full. Many of the people were older. Harry’s golf buddies were seated together. There were colleagues from Harry’s career as a reporter and newspaper editor. Many were young when they went to work for Harry. He taught them about journalism and the importance of language. He was demanding. But they knew he wanted them to be their best and was always approachable and interested in their lives and careers. The assembled rose as the casket was walked down the aisle and placed in front of the altar. When the mass was over, the priest invited Caroline to come up for the eulogy. She walked up the altar steps in her simple black dress wearing the gold chain with the small sun Harry gave her for her first communion. She was hoping she would get through it without crying.

”My grandfather always wanted to make his grandchildren feel special. That was what made him special. He was always interested in what was going on in our lives. He was always asking about school and the sports and activities we were involved in. He encouraged us to be curious. He would always ask, ‘Tell me one new thing you learned in school today.’ And he wouldn’t give up until you told him. He wanted to be part of our lives. He knew he wouldn’t be around as we grew older and had our own families. He envied our youth and wanted us to achieve all that we could. He told us not to be afraid to make mistakes and grab all you could out of life. He and I bonded over our love of baseball. A few years ago, the summer before I went away to college, he asked me to take a trip to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Some might think that’s the last thing a seventeen year old girl wants to do with her grandfather. He was still mourning the loss of my grandmother. I knew it was difficult for him to ask me, afraid I would turn him down. I was so touched. He planned it all out. He wanted to share something just with me. He knew I was going through a big transition in my life. Going off to college. The pressure of playing college softball. Meeting knew people. But he wanted to share the importance of treasuring these years and how he hoped I would achieve happiness. He knew his life was on the last chapter. He wanted one last taste of being young. Those ballplayers in the Hall of Fame symbolized that for him. He wanted to feel that one more time, and he wanted to do it with me. Everyone wants to be remembered. He wanted us all to know how much he cared for us. I will think of him always and remember our trip that set me down the road of life.”

Caroline walked down the steps of the altar. She stopped and placed her hand gently on the casket for a moment as a tear rolled down her cheek.